The Unbearable Present Moment

Between memory and missile fire there is only a tiny space for hope.

Photo by Nataly Grebyonkina on Unsplash

The most frightening moments are just after the sirens wind down.

Because Gidon and I live atop a hill overlooking the village-dotted Galilee, each siren echoes like little lights going out, one by one. Then, there is the silence ahead of the barrage. Will it rain down where you live? Or your family? Is it in Tel Aviv or Beersheva? North, south, east, or west, either you or people you love are in danger.

In these moments, my mind races. I put my hand over my heart and try to slow my breathing. Next to me, Gidon closes his eyes and waits, too. Actually, I think he just falls asleep. I try to “be present” in these endless, bottomless moments of not knowing what is about to happen, where, and to whom.

Living in this land must be the heavy-lifting part of the human spiritual gym, I think to myself and smile faintly.

Shhh. Be present,

I tell myself. Go to your happy place. Think of a peaceful place, yes, like Gan Hashlosha, fed by warm water springs, the still pools an impossible blue. I can see the pebbly bottom and hear the laughter of children. Tiny fish nibble at my heels, and it tickles. I love this place. I get lost in memories of the last time I was there—

BOOM. Boom.Boom.Boom.Boom.

Was that an interception or a hit?

Be present, I tell myself. Go back to your memory, Julie.

Now I swim toward the waterfall at Gan Hashlosha. The water is shallower here. A woman in a bathing hijab reaches out and helps me get through the powerful current and perch on the rocks beside her. The rushing water is so loud THAT YOU HAVE TO YELL AT THE PERSON RIGHT NEXT TO YOU THANK YOU VERY MUCH YOU’RE WELCOME THE WATER FEELS GOOD YES IT DOES WHAT’S YOUR NAME MY NAME IS NOOR I’M JULIE.

Wordlessly, Noor and I give over to the roaring water around us and cling to the rocks side by side. It’s October 7th, 2023—before either Noor or I knew the extent of the Hamas attack that would mark a point of no return.

Back in my safe room, side by side with the definitely snoozing Gidon, I wait for the all-clear.